Looking Ahead

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking - as I do - about my life and where I want to go and how I want it to be. If I'm being very honest, I'm not where I want to be at all. I know I've mentioned it before. But by this time in my life, I had really hoped to be standing on my own much more. I rather thought I'd own my own house by now. That I'd have just reached the threshold in book (and related) sales that I'd be able to step out of the rat race and go to work for myself full time.

Alas, I am no closer to either of these than I was when I graduated university nearly twenty years ago. It chafes, actually.

To be fair, I have made some terrible decisions. The first and most pressing was working a job that did not pay well because it afforded me more time to write. Had I found a better job, I might have been able to save up for a deposit on a house by now. Certainly, I'd have fewer books written, but it's not like I'd have none at all.

With most of my friends all in their own houses (or will be soon), or happily in their chosen careers and making good headway there, I feel like I've been left behind. All the platitudes about different paths and timelines in the world, however my logical mind might agree, do nothing to really alleviate that feeling.

More, I feel so pulled in so many directions (my writing, my art, my book re-binding business that is yet to even have one thing to show of it, the desire to own a home (and therefore the 40hrs a week in an office that isn't mine), etc), it feels very much like I'm stuck in place; pulled taut and unable to move.

I did this to myself, of course, and much of my current frustration is very much directed inward. Don't worry, I'll live. Mostly because my stubborn side has taken over.

Despite all of my efforts with my writing career until this point not really creating the independent income I had hoped, that weird, stubborn little corner of myself has dug its defiant heels in, bared its surprisingly pointy little teeth, and flipped both birds to the universe.

In short, I'm going to try harder. This will require more funds; funds I didn't have before with my very poorly paying previous job. Hah! Take that for alliteration! Why? Because, beginning next year, I'll be attempting to travel to various conventions around Canada. And I'll be doing something that actually legitimately terrifies me. I'll be applying to be on panels at each of these conventions.

They don't know me as well as Can-Con does, and I don't know them... which is why I'm so terrified of applying to be on panels with them. It takes a long time for me to warm up to any kind of comfort level. It took years, and some not very subtle prompting from one of the co-chairs, to even get me started on panels at Can-Con. I was very content to simply be a vendor. And might still be were it not for that little push. Well, there's no one but myself to push me now, and so off I go.

For these reasons, chances of getting on those panels will be quite slim, but I'm going to apply all the same. For some, I might even apply to be a vendor, if I can manage the logistics (and costs, to be honest).

Now, here is were my stupid employment decision comes in. The only reason I can even consider this now is because I'm in a better job, and can shoulder some of these costs. This was not a thing I could do, financially, before. It takes money to make money, and I never had any.

I'm a little hesitant, because this is all money that could be used to help with a down payment on a house, and I so desperately want my own house so I can paint and decorate the way I want, and have a space that truly is mine. That's really important to me. 

On the flip side, I do have a place to live, even if it's not actually mine, and so that basic need is being met. And who knows, maybe this effort here will lead to my having that extra income, which will get me into a house so much sooner.

The fact of the matter is, my soul is slowly shrivelling sitting at a computer that is not mine, doing work that I don't find fulfilling at all. Boo hoo, right? That's most of the workforce. But some people may be more okay with it that I am. I am literally crawling out of my own skin. I'm anxious and frustrated and feeling flighty. I am not content. So I have to make changes and try. Even if I fail, which is likely, at least I can say that I tried.

To that end, I'm trying to take note of all the literary speculative fiction conventions I can in order to make a list and pare down the places I want to go next year. Don't worry, Ottawans (because you're all so worried, I know), Can-Con will remain my priority. I shan't go anywhere that has a clashing schedule.

So far, I only have two other conventions than Can-Con that I know of:

Ad Astra in Toronto, which I have just learnt is currently dormant, and When Worlds Collide in Calgary. I may, depending on location and cost, try to make it to a Worldcon, but that might be a project for 2026. If you know of any other speculative fiction conventions in Canada, please send them my way. I'll add them to the list, and see if I can fit them in to both my schedule and finances.

So that's where I am in life. Dissatisfied, angry at myself for being dumb, and baring my teeth at failure. Wish me luck! And if you happen to be at any of these conventions in 2025, maybe I shall see you there.

Slán go foill!